Foundations

"I am not happy in my marriage." For years the thought kept popping through my mind. For the last few months, the thought haunted my heart. And for the last few weeks, the thought crushed my soul.

I checked the facts. There was no one to blame.

How could I think and feel this way while in an otherwise healthy relationship? Sure, we are as different as night and day. I am the tortoise, he is the hare. He is the bird, I am the fish. But we have a common Goal, and I thought we were supposed to be Happy and agreeable and understanding and want to be with each other, Always.

The Day I Stopped Apologizing

My son had slept in unusually late. I hate being awoken and hate doing the awakening. Something about it is wholly violating to me... I was helping my oldest daughter with some last minute math anyway and only had time to run down and see him waking on his own with 5 minutes to go. "I'm sorry it's so late" I wanted to say. But my voice inside me said "No, don't. It's not your fault."

You see, I have this guilt complex, well, it's really more of a shame complex. Guilt is the feeling that let's us know we may have done something bad; Shame is the feeling I am bad/disappointing/unloved/etc. And for some reason, the connection inside my brain between the two is like a lightning rod to the ground. It happens so fast I don't know it until it's over and the house where my emotional self lives is on fire...