Foundations

Disclaimer: I must attribute the analogy and dedicate this post to my insightful, patient husband, to whom I am happily married. The conditions of my unhappiness lie squarely in the realm of Depression as the result of perceived threats to my fragile emotional self from a lifetime of emotionally complicated experiences. A.K.A. I have major trust and shame issues.

"I am not happy in my marriage." For years the thought kept popping through my mind. For the last few months, the thought haunted my heart. And for the last few weeks, the thought crushed my soul.

I checked the facts. There was no one to blame.

How could I think and feel this way while in an otherwise healthy relationship? Sure, we are as different as night and day. I am the tortoise, he is the hare. He is the bird, I am the fish. But we have a common Goal, and I thought we were supposed to be Happy and agreeable and understanding and want to be with each other, Always.

And there it is. This black or white thinking that tries to confine the messiness of life to either end of the spectrum at the expense of all the colors and variations thereof that lie in between. This black or white thinking that says if I am sad I cannot be happy. This black or white thinking that says if this is not working, this is never working. This black or white thinking that says if I am not happy in my marriage, my marriage must fail, eventually.

But I am also stubborn. And though it doesn't seem like much, it all started with accepting. Accepting that I am not happy in my marriage AND I do not want to fail in marriage.

AND. Such a small word. Such a powerful word. Salt AND pepper. Black AND white. Virtue AND vice. Time AND all eternity.

"I need some space. It's complicated..." I confessed. Throughout my life, I have lost my whole Self to Pleasing others: I should be a good daughter. I should be a good student. I should be a good wife. I should be a good mother. I should be a good person. I. should. be. good.

A beautiful, beloved and sacred building was recently remodeled and rededicated. Did it's need to be remodeled distract from its original beauty? Did it's need to be rebuilt negate its intended purpose? Did it's need for closure and rededication undo all the progress that had been made? No. Nor was this the first of its kind. Many holy establishments of its kind, both temporal and spiritual, have been and will continue to be reduced, even to their walls, foundations, footings or merely the ground they sit upon, so that they can be rebuilt on new foundations, surer foundations, stronger foundations, deeper foundations. (See Provo City Center, Logan, Vernal, Nauvoo and Salt Lake temples, to name a few.)

Sometimes I need help seeing that everything I think should be, already is. I am a good person, a daughter of God even, I am enough. And what already is, can be gloriously more. (See Moroni 10:32.) It often isn't necessary to uproot and change locations just because we don't like what we've built. If we are willing to re-evaluate what we have built and renovate what isn't working, if we are willing to go to work, getting our hands dirty along the way, we can rise out of the rumble, together.

"I understand, sometimes we have to rebuild our relationships because we don't like the foundations they are built upon," he said. (I love this guy!)

The Day I Stopped Apologizing

My son had slept in unusually late. I hate being awoken and hate doing the awakening. Something about it is wholly violating to me... I was helping my oldest daughter with some last minute math anyway and only had time to run down and see him waking on his own with 5 minutes to go. "I'm sorry it's so late" I wanted to say. But my voice inside me said "No, don't. It's not your fault."

You see, I have this guilt complex, well, it's really more of a shame complex. Guilt is the feeling that let's us know we may have done something bad; Shame is the feeling I am bad/disappointing/unloved/etc. And for some reason, the connection inside my brain between the two is like a lightning rod to the ground. It happens so fast I don't know it until it's over and the house where my emotional self lives is on fire...
So I'm in therapy. Dialectical Behavior Therapy to be exact. And it is a.m.a.z.i.n.g.
H.A.R.D....
And Amazing.

No over apologizing, I remembered. When did apologizing replace validating anyway?  As if in taking part of the blame we could lessen the pain? Who benefits from that exactly? Certainly not the person taking the blame, now they just feel bad about themselves because now there is this impossible belief that they should have somehow been able to prevent the other person's suffering. And sure the other person maybe feels a little bit less guilty and a little bit better, at first, but now their Happiness is dependant on someone else, and so is their Suffering. None of this happens on purpose, of course. And maybe its just the way my brain is wired, but there it is anyway, little synapses, connecting me to your pain and you to my pain all the while giving both of us an Entitled Victim Savior Complex. Really! No really, I just made that up. So while waiting for someone or something else to make us Happy, we try, very unsuccessfully I might add, to take away other people's suffering. But the thing is, Jesus already did that. The Savior already took upon Himself all of my suffering and all of your suffering. So really there is nothing left to take except the experience of it all, and if you take that, like we often inadvertently do with our Sympathies, then you destroy the soul. And we are certainly in no position to do what Christ did for other people. "So stop it", my inner voice says to me. Stop stealing other people's suffering. Stop blaming other people for my suffering. Stop stealing the very thing that binds them/me to God. Stop cutting Him out. Stop. right. now.

Oh validation. Right. I can't change the time, control other people's behavior, emotions, or perceptions. I can't take away someone else's suffering. But I can help shine light on it and acknowledge it is there. And that, really, is enough. I dig for Empathy, make a miserable face, and gently pat his back. "I know it's hard to wake up late and have to jump out of bed," I say.