My son had slept in unusually late. I hate being awoken and hate doing the awakening. Something about it is wholly violating to me... I was helping my oldest daughter with some last minute math anyway and only had time to run down and see him waking on his own with 5 minutes to go. "I'm sorry it's so late" I wanted to say. But my voice inside me said "No, don't. It's not your fault."
You see, I have this guilt complex, well, it's really more of a shame complex. Guilt is the feeling that let's us know we may have done something bad; Shame is the feeling I am bad/disappointing/unloved/etc. And for some reason, the connection inside my brain between the two is like a lightning rod to the ground. It happens so fast I don't know it until it's over and the house where my emotional self lives is on fire...
So I'm in therapy. Dialectical Behavior Therapy to be exact. And it is a.m.a.z.i.n.g.
H.A.R.D....
And Amazing.
No over apologizing, I remembered. When did apologizing replace validating anyway? As if in taking part of the blame we could lessen the pain? Who benefits from that exactly? Certainly not the person taking the blame, now they just feel bad about themselves because now there is this impossible belief that they should have somehow been able to prevent the other person's suffering. And sure the other person maybe feels a little bit less guilty and a little bit better, at first, but now their Happiness is dependant on someone else, and so is their Suffering. None of this happens on purpose, of course. And maybe its just the way my brain is wired, but there it is anyway, little synapses, connecting me to your pain and you to my pain all the while giving both of us an Entitled Victim Savior Complex. Really! No really, I just made that up. So while waiting for someone or something else to make us Happy, we try, very unsuccessfully I might add, to take away other people's suffering. But the thing is, Jesus already did that. The Savior already took upon Himself all of my suffering and all of your suffering. So really there is nothing left to take except the experience of it all, and if you take that, like we often inadvertently do with our Sympathies, then you destroy the soul. And we are certainly in no position to do what Christ did for other people. "So stop it", my inner voice says to me. Stop stealing other people's suffering. Stop blaming other people for my suffering. Stop stealing the very thing that binds them/me to God. Stop cutting Him out. Stop. right. now.
Oh validation. Right. I can't change the time, control other people's behavior, emotions, or perceptions. I can't take away someone else's suffering. But I can help shine light on it and acknowledge it is there. And that, really, is enough. I dig for Empathy, make a miserable face, and gently pat his back. "I know it's hard to wake up late and have to jump out of bed," I say.
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