Written at 6 weeks gestation:
I'm pregnant.
*sigh*
It's not that I'm disappointed or ungrateful. It's just. A. Heavy. Load.
You see, it's my sixth pregnancy. And pregnancy is, well, I don't think I really have to tell you, but pregnancy is emotional duh! And while each one is unique, each one also carries all of the emotions of the previous ones. So instead of feeling just one pregnant, I feel pregnant six. times. over. Six times happier, six times scared, six times delusional, hopeful, regretful, painful, anxious, powerful...
Psychology tells me that's my "emotion mind," which in my "normal" state is already a little hyper-vigilant and now in my "heightened" state it thinks it's the Supreme Ruler. Can someone just carry me around in one of those shoulder taxis for nine months please? The Supreme Ruler thinks time stands still until this tiny being growing inside me becomes a fully developed human being growing outside me. For nine months, (eight now I guess) it consumes me. I want the beginning, the end, and all the emotions of the past five pregnancies to culminate and converge on this one moment in time, when it will all be done. Finished. Checked off the list. Behind me. Perfect. Then I can move on with life, as if creating life is far from living life. Do you ever feel like that?
I suspect I have a control issue. Oh and I have a resistance to change. Change. The only constant. The unrelenting constant when it comes to pregnancy that perpetuates itself every 24,192,000 seconds of gestation. 24,192,000 seconds of dividing cells, growing tissue, splitting hairs, pumping blood, beating hearts.
Two hearts. From two bodies becoming one, to one body becoming two.
Cycles. Life cycles.
Circle of Life. Circles.
Life.
Always traveling in a different direction, always to continue on the same path.
So the planets, the moon, and me, going in circles. I wish I could get to the center. Sun envy I guess you could call it. Where the universe, or at least a solar system, do revolve around me for once. Don't judge. For most of my life I have been selfless to a fault. I have taken care of those who should have taken care of me. I have taken blame for things I could not control. I have taken light from that God given part of myself to please others. But in taking things that weren't mine, I have actually been selfish. Selfishly putting myself at the center of the universe trying to control what wasn't mine to control in the first place. And now I realize the truly selfless are those that neither take nor give, but just be. Be what God made them to be.
So as I begin this journey for the sixth time over, I pray for being. Being one with this changing body. Being one whole. One whole being. Becoming two. So, dear baby, I will not give myself to you. I wish I could be enough for the both of us, I wish I could be your sun and you my universe, but you deserve a whole start, not some orphaned piece of my fractured soul. So no, I will not give my self to you, but I will let you make your self whole within me.
Very raw and honest.
ReplyDeleteI loved this post about pregnancy. It's such a personal experience - one that is very vulnerable, uncertain, and unique to every woman, but filled with beauty and wonder. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteWhen I think of you embarking on this journey of creating a new life I think of courage and strength and selflessness. The way you wrote about it is so poetic... two bodies becoming one, to one body becoming two. And I love that your gift is to allow your baby to become a whole self within you rather than to give your whole self away.
I realized that some of my subconscious beliefs about what it means to be a good mother were impossible to attain - like giving every minute of myself to my kids every minute of the day from the time they wake until the time they go to sleep. It would be impossible to keep up and if I tried, I would burn out and there wouldn't be anything left to give (not to mention, I would be raising kids who wouldn't know how to be indpendent and survive in the outside world).
I will give my children un-ending love and a secure family life in which to discover their own identities. I will give them physical and emotional safety and boundaries. I will teach them and coach them and I will be there to listen and support them through life's trials and successes. That is what I will strive to give my children as their mother.
xoxo